Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Making the threat of Huntington’s disease ‘small stuff’

To reduce anxiety about the threat of Huntington’s disease, I start each day with a deep breathing exercise and meditation.

I started developing this practice in late 1997, two years after learning of my mother’s diagnosis for HD and the devastating fact that I had a 50-50 chance of inheriting the mutated gene. After many months struggling with worry and denial, I had hit rock bottom emotionally. (I eventually tested positive for the HD mutation.)

Browsing at titles in a bookstore – bookstores mattered a lot more before the e-book explosion – I came across Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… and it’s all small stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life, a bestseller by the late Richard Carlson, Ph.D.

Over the next few months, I studied the book’s 100 brief chapters, each prescribing how to achieve calm in our harried world. Some might consider self-help books shallow, but I found this one to have a core of wisdom.

Chapter 1, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff,” lays out Dr. Carlson’s basic philosophy, a combination of Judeo-Christian fraternal love with a Buddhist de-emphasis of the desire for material success.

“Often we allow ourselves to get all worked up about things that, upon closer examination, aren’t really that big a deal,” Dr. Carlson wrote. “We focus on little problems and blow them way out of proportion…. So many people spend so much of their life energy ‘sweating the small stuff’ that they completely lose touch with the magic and beauty of life. When you commit to working toward this goal you will find that you will have far more energy to be kinder and gentler.”

Getting calm with deep inhalation

Chapter 63, “Count to Ten,” was pivotal for me.

“When you feel yourself getting angry, take a long, deep inhalation, and as you do so, say the number one to yourself,” Dr. Carlson suggested. “Then, relax your entire body as you breathe out. Repeat the same process with the number two, all the way through at least ten (if you’re really angry, continue to twenty-five).”

The deep breathing “clears your mind with a mini version of a meditation exercise,” he explained. It increases the oxygen in your lungs, reduces anger, and provides perspective, making “big stuff” look like “little stuff.

With time I settled on 20 deep breaths for every morning, followed by a few minutes of quiet relaxation. I usually sit in a lotus position on a carpet or on the edge of a chair or couch with my back arched forward to get the air as deeply into my lungs as possible.

When family or work obligations occasionally make it impossible to meditate at home, I do my breathing while driving or in airports.

When I don’t meditate, my day almost always becomes more stressful, sometimes even sad.

The breathing provides a powerfully calming effect. I feel that I’m doing something good for my brain by increasing the oxygen. By reducing my overall stress level, I hope, I can help delay the onset of HD symptoms.

In the video below, you can watch the demonstration of the technique I gave at the start of my keynote speech at the 2011 HD Therapeutics Conference, sponsored by the CHDI Foundation, Inc., in Palm Springs, CA. Other members of the HD community as well as caregivers and counselors engage in or recommend similar exercises, and a vast bibliography exists on yoga and meditation techniques. The principles here can apply for everybody in any aspect of life.


Increased anxiety, new insights

The past couple years I have included in my meditation a reading from Living Faith: Daily Catholic Devotions. Resonating with many of Dr. Carlson’s points, Living Faith helps me tap my spiritual dimension, longstanding since my childhood in the Catholic church, and contemplate the mysteries of suffering and the Creator’s love.

Over the past couple years, now well beyond the age at which my mother’s symptoms started, I’ve become more anxious about HD as well as things in general. So, early this year, I decided to add a daily reading from Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff to my morning meditation.

A couple weeks ago, I finished.

Rereading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff brought back warm memories of how I had overcome difficult moments, including depression, in those early years after my mother’s diagnosis – including my own positive test for the HD mutation in 1999.

It also revealed how I’ve usually dealt successfully with the ongoing challenges of living at risk. Rereading the book reinforced the lessons I had learned. It also provided me with new insights.

Some of my favorites are: Chapter 6, “Remind Yourself that When You Die, Your ‘In Basket’ Won’t Be Empty”; Chapter 16, “Ask Yourself the Question, ‘Will This Matter a Year from Now?”; and Chapter 66, “Think of What You Have Instead of What You Want.”

Problems as teachers

Two chapters in particular have helped me reflect on HD: Chapter 17, “Surrender to the Fact that Life Isn’t Fair,” and Chapter 75, “Think of Your Problems as Potential Teachers.”

“One of the nice things about surrendering to the fact the life isn’t fair is that it keeps us from feeling sorry for ourselves by encouraging us to do the very best we can with what we have,” Dr. Carlson wrote. “We know it’s not ‘life’s job’ to make everything perfect, it’s our own challenge.”

Regarding problems, he wrote: “Rather than push away the problem and resist it, try to embrace it. Mentally, hold the problem near to your heart. Ask yourself what valuable lesson(s) this problem might be able to teach you.”

Humility, acceptance, and hope for treatments

This is solid advice. However, isn’t a deadly genetic brain disorder like HD truly “big stuff” that just can’t be meditated away?

I’ve thought a lot about this question as I reread Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff and corresponded with HD-affected friends. They are struggling with the loss of their mental and physical abilities; they can no longer work or drive and need help from others for the simple tasks of daily living.

Recently I also attended the wake for an old friend who died in his early 60s of pancreatic cancer, a mainly incurable condition. I didn’t know he was ill, so his death came as a shock.

I imagine my own HD symptoms, watching myself quietly fade away, losing the ability to write, teach, and engage with my family as we guide our daughter through high school and start thinking of retirement.

That is big stuff!

However, I try to make it as small as possible. When I’m not resorting to my old friend denial – which becomes harder as I approach the inevitable onset – I reflect on two of the key lessons taught by Dr. Carlson and the authors of Living Faith: the need for humility and acceptance.

I will die. As I witnessed with my mother, HD is a horrible way to go.

However, until onset I will adhere to Dr. Carlson’s Chapter 100: “Live This Day as if It Were Your Last. It Might Be!” 

As both Dr. Carlson and Living Faith's authors would agree, living life in that manner includes making the world a better place and engaging with family, friends, and many others. I may die of HD, but the collective work of advocates like me, together with the scientific community and friends and supporters, may help make HD "little stuff" in the future by furnishing effective treatments.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Going with the flow of time

Like many in our fast-paced era, early in life I developed an acute sense of time. Patience with others, with life, and with myself was not one of my virtues.

After learning in 1995 that my mother had Huntington’s disease and that I had a 50-50 chance of inheriting the devastating mutation, my anxiety about the passage of time multiplied.

On one level, I definitely came to appreciate the preciousness of time – especially after testing positive for HD in 1999 and seeing my mother succumb to the disease in 2006 at the age of 68.

On another level, however, worries about time have continued to gnaw at my mind. I strive to enjoy life, providing for and spending time with my family, but also to create a legacy as a scholar, writer, HD advocate, and citizen. As I once wrote, “I’m squeezing as much as I can into my life before the symptoms start.”

‘Tricking’ time

For a long time I’ve believed that I can somehow trick time, getting more than 24 hours out of a day.

Not long after I had learned of my mother’s HD, one of my students asked me why I walked so quickly around the campus. “I have so much to do!” I replied while pondering my professional ambition and worrying about my vulnerability to the disease.

I frequently recall a radio segment about a former federal cabinet official whose ambition led him to obsess about reducing to the absolute minimum the time spent on each detail in getting ready in the morning.

Identifying with that attitude, I find it simultaneously fascinating and tragic.

Though I know that going to bed at a regular time contributes to good neurological health, I often stay up late, thinking that if I just squeeze in a bit more work or one more TV show, I’ll somehow have gotten more time out of the day.

So much of my life is tied to the mystery of time, including a self-esteem reliant on a sense of accomplishment and recognition. If it weren’t for this damned time, I could do so much more!

Defeating time is the avenue to feeling powerful, and toward the goal of defeating Huntington’s disease.

Ultimately, to defeat time is to defeat death itself. This desire is a not uncommon phenomenon as people age, but the specter of HD makes it unavoidable.

Counteracting anxiety

To counteract the anxiety about time and HD, I have employed some key strategies. I work with a psychotherapist, take medications to stave off anxiety and depression, and subscribe to the philosophy of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff … and it’s all small stuff. I also try to exercise, live in the moment, and to connect with my spiritual dimension, for example, by attending Mass.

When brushing my teeth seems to take forever because I’m anxious about getting to a seemingly more important upcoming activity, I try to remember the advice of the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh to savor the simplest of experiences as part of the process of life.

I’ve also sought wisdom about time from the scientific minds of our era.

However, after reading biographies of Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein, I’ve understood clearly how we are in the infancy of defining and comprehending the dimension called time.

We can’t even perceive time with our five senses – except for the fact that our bodies age and diseases like HD take their inevitable toll.

A terrible delusion

Last month, in a conversation with my psychotherapist, I came to the healthy realization about how I have deluded myself about tricking time.

A few weeks later, I departed with my family for a three-week trip in Europe.

Once again, vacation time provided me with a small but stimulating break from the routine of work and the challenges of living at risk for HD.

Amidst the excitement of visits to cities like Berlin, Prague, and Vienna, I maintained my daily morning meditation.

As we whisked through Europe, the mystery of time once again loomed.

I wanted to stop time so that the great moments with my family would never end.


Kenneth Serbin (left) with daughter Bianca and wife Regina on the Charles Bridge in Prague (family photo)

A revelation

However, during one moment of meditation, I had a mini-revelation about time.

I told myself: “You cannot trick time. You must be with time and part of time. You cannot go against time. You must accept it. You must flow with it.”

In the days since, I have felt a renewed sense of peace.

I don’t believe outcomes are preordained, but I do feel that I must no longer resist the flow of time.

I cannot extend my time. I must live with the amount I have as best I can.

I must approach life, including the threat of Huntington’s disease, with acceptance, even as I strive daily to make a difference.

Although scientists are working feverishly on potential clinical trials, treatments may not appear in time to save me.

I can help, I can hope, and I can wish progress for everyone in the HD community. But I cannot stop time to wait.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

The return of the Huntington’s whirlwind


In my quest to avoid the symptoms of Huntington’s disease and aid the search for treatments and a cure, I frequently struggle to cope with powerful feelings.

As I’ve written before, I constantly aim to keep a balance in my life between “striving” for the HD cause and “chilling” by enjoying the simple pleasures of life.

However, both the fear of symptoms – I tested positive for the HD gene in 1999 and at 53 have now passed my mother’s age of onset – and the excitement about the real hope for treatments sometimes provoke a whirlwind of emotions.

After a ten-week hiatus from this blog and most of my HD advocacy last summer, I took my advocacy to new heights starting in the fall. Since then, I’ve fought to keep a steady course as I’ve confronted both depressing and exhilarating feelings.

Recently, however, the sensation of being caught in a whirlwind has returned.

People keep dying

The people I meet through my advocacy regularly remind me of the terrible suffering inflicted by HD.

To be an HD advocate requires compassion – but also the ability to absorb great pain.

In preparing my recent article on HD and adoption, I interviewed two of my “HD sisters,” women in their mid-40s with about the same degree of genetic mutation as mine. I was startled to hear them describe how the onset of cognitive impairment has severely restricted their lives. I could not help but wonder how my own life as a college professor, HD advocate, husband, and father will be affected when my own inevitable symptoms start.

For my article on two HD activists, I delved into the wrenching story of Karli Mukka, a 13-year-old who died of juvenile HD. To see children who should be flourishing cruelly cut down by HD sends a spike into my heart.

“Oh, not another one!” I exclaim to myself when I read on Facebook about the death of yet another juvenile HD victim.

Seeing these fighters in our community go down makes me vow to redouble my efforts.

Such sadness seems unending. People keep dying of this horrible disease – with no treatments whatsoever to help them.

On February 13, along with the photo below, I posted the following about my own sadness on HD Facebook memorial and prayer pages:

Today marks the 7th anniversary of my mother Carol Serbin's death from HD. My father Paul, her "HD warrior caregiver," died three and a half years later. I miss them both terribly. I tested positive for HD in 1999. Our daughter tested negative in the womb. I had hoped treatments would come in time for my mother, but, sadly, they didn't. I continue as an HD advocate fighting to avoid onset and for the discovery of effective treatments.



A tribute and a Valentine’s gift

Solidarity has soothed the emotional pain.

The loving comments on my parents’ photo from HD friends and acquaintances brought great comfort. Wrote one woman:

Look at the smile on your Mom. I have noticed that no matter how sick these people are, they manage to still smile. My daughter is one of them. Such brave people. Sending Hugs your way Gene, all the way from Canada.

I could not have imagined a more lovely tribute to my mom and dad than the artistic reinterpretation of my parents’ photograph posted on the HD prayer page by Rebecca Rose, who lost an adult daughter to HD in 2009 and a 9-year-old granddaughter in January 2012.


On February 14, Valentine’s Day, I received a wonderful gift from sports talk show host Chick Ludwig, a friend of some 35 years, who interviewed me during a segment about HD on his program on WONE radio in my home state of Ohio.

The joy and excitement of reconnecting with Chick in such a special way and sharing my story with a live radio audience left me overwhelmed.

Looking to the World Congress

Solidarity has also helped recharge my advocacy batteries

In response to the Portuguese version of my definitive coming-out article in the mainstream media, Paulo Vannuchi, a survivor of brutal torture during the Brazilian military dictatorship (1964-1985) and the country’s minister of human rights from 2005-2010, wrote me a long and moving personal e-mail, pledging to support the cause in any way possible.

I was thrilled that a man with great political influence and a record of defending the disabled could help the HD cause in Brazil, my wife’s homeland and my “second home” after nearly three decades of studying its history and people.

The world’s fifth most populous country with nearly 200 million people, Brazil has an estimated 13,000-19,000 HD patients and 65,000-95,000 at risk of carrying the gene, making it a key player in the effort to globalize the search for treatments through the so-called Enroll-HD program.

Indeed, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil’s second largest city, will host the 2013 World Congress on Huntington’s Disease from September 15-18. I will speak in at the congress on the topic of coping with the knowledge of living with the mutant gene.

Paulo and I have begun to brainstorm how to raise the profile of the congress and awareness about the disease in Brazil, where the community is even more closeted than in the U.S. and whose Huntington’s association has only minimal resources. (I will explore the reality of HD in Brazil in a future article.)

After 25 straight years of living in or visiting Brazil, I declined to travel there in 2011 and 2012. I’ll spend a good part of this year planning a very special return: to attend the congress, my first ever HD event outside the U.S., alongside other HD people in the land I love as much as my own. I'm very happy that I'm finally able to meld the professional and personal sides of my life with my advocacy.

However, planning for the trip could also cause anxiety. As a Brazil specialist, I feel an immense responsibility to help make the congress a success.

Managing feelings

As I once again negotiate the twists and turns of the HD whirlwind, I’ve worked extra hard to take care of myself emotionally.

Like a lot of guys, I’m often in denial when it comes to managing feelings.

I wrote in my blog notes:

You men out there: do you take care of your feelings? Do you take care of yourself? Are you always trying to be the hero? The problem-solver? Are you listening to what your spouse says about HD, taking into consideration her feelings?

Luckily, throughout most of my journey with HD I have had the support of a (female) psychotherapist, my “mind coach.” I also take medication for depression and anxiety.

Joining an HD support group just one month after learning of my mother’s diagnosis of HD in late 1995 was one of the most important things I’ve ever done.

Likewise, seeking psychological assistance has helped me deal with the numerous ups and downs of living at risk for Huntington’s disease.

Keeping calm in a whirlwind is not easy. However, with friends, love, and support, we can keep forging ahead.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Huntington's disease and the perils of adoption


Because Huntington’s disease is inherited, its sudden appearance can send family relationships into a state of shock.

Many HD families can trace the disease back over generations, but in some, like mine, it appears unexpectedly.

Adoption of gene-carrying children generates another kind of surprise for both the unknowing adoptive parents and the adoptee.

The story of four HD-stricken daughters born to Dianne M. Travers, who died of HD in 2010, reveals the almost surreal perils of adoption when HD is involved. Their story also highlights how genetic testing, increasingly common in the biotechnological era, can open up unexpected and disturbing doors.

Figuring out a puzzle

The story of these women came to light because one of the sisters, an adopted child who is today the 47-year-old Lisa Davenport Boudreau, in March 2012 discovered the identity of her birth mother after an 18-year search.

An Army combat veteran, Lisa commenced her search at the age of 30 in 1995 after retiring from the service on disability resulting from post-traumatic stress disorder.

Lisa Boudreau during Army days (personal photo)

“It was like a puzzle, putting a little piece together at a time,” Lisa told me in a series of recent interviews from her home in Wilmington, NC. She and her sisters were willing to share their both exhilarating and painful story in an effort to raise consciousness about both the tragedy of HD and the challenges of adoption.

Lisa’s adoptive parents had told her that they raised her in a closed adoption, which withholds the identity of the birth parents. Knowing her parents would be reluctant to help, Lisa at first proceeded on her own, without knowing the name of the agency that had handled her adoption.

Acting like an investigative reporter, she sought her roots by compiling a list of women who’d gotten pregnant around the time of her birth in 1965 in Fargo, ND. She also looked for Fargo babies born that year and poured over census reports and microfiche of area newspapers, hoping somehow to find a scrap of news about her entrance into the world.

In 2007, with her four children from two previous marriages old enough to allow her more free time, Lisa devoted herself to the task full time. She first contracted a private investigative firm specializing in assistance to adoptees. Despite paying a $2,000 fee, she got no results.

Lisa was finally able to obtain from her adoptive mother the name of the agency that had handled her case, Catholic Charities of North Dakota, to which Lisa paid $500 in fees for a document certifying her nationality and birth weight and for the agency to begin a search for her birth mother. This crucial step allowed Lisa to intensify her search.

As Lisa explained, since the 1960s adoption laws have changed to make it easier for adopted children to find their biological parents. “A lot of adoptees want answers,” she said.

However, Catholic Charities delayed in obtaining results, Lisa said.

“I had to have someone put a fire under (their social worker), because in three years they did absolutely nothing,” she explained. “And then, all of a sudden, when I told them I would sue them, in a month they found my mother. I really think Catholic Charities is using the adoption industry to make money.”

Catholic Charities told her Lisa that she had no siblings. To this day, she has still not obtained a copy of her birth certificate, which remains sealed in an archive in Fargo.

An identity – and a disease

“Towards the last year of looking for mom, there was something in my gut,” Lisa recalled. “For the last three months, I didn’t sleep two hours a night. I knew something was wrong. I could feel her pain, even though I never met her.”

Finally, on February 27, 2012, Lisa received a call from a social worker at Catholic Charities who had been able to track down her birth mother.

What came next was not just the joyful revelation of her biological mother’s identity, but also the shocking news that would instantly transform the lives of Lisa, her husband Bob, her children, and the relatives she had yet to discover.

Lisa learned from the social worker that her mother Dianne had recently spent seven years in a nursing home and had died of a disease of which she had never heard: Huntington’s.

“After the call, I got on my laptop,” Lisa remembered. “I pulled it up online and read it to my husband and said, ‘what is this?!’ It was very shocking. Then I had to tell my kids. It was very emotional.”

Searching for roots

In piecing together her and her mother’s past, Lisa would learn that Dianne, a Native American, had gotten pregnant with her at the age of 16. Later in life, Dianne became an alcoholic and a bit of a drifter, spending time in California, Utah, and North Dakota. When HD killed Dianne in November 2010, she was 62.

Dianne Travers (family photo)

“I missed her by one year,” Lisa said regretfully of her quest to meet her mother.

Lisa would also discover the identity of her birth father, Byron Johnson, an artist and architect of Norwegian descent. He had died at the age of 52 in 1993 after falling off a roof in a work accident.

Yet Lisa’s burning desire to know about her mother’s life only grew. She tracked down Dianne’s second husband, 96-year-old Jim Travers, who recalled that his wife had had a daughter. Lisa discovered both a birth certificate and a death certificate for this woman, Sabrina Del Rio, her half-sister, deceased at the age of 31 in 2003.

Querying the nursing home where Dianne had spent her last years, Lisa learned that a California woman named Donna Scott had handled her mother’s funeral arrangements.

Lisa set out to call every Donna Scott in California phone directories. She said she made about 3,000 calls.

“I was searching for someone who knew my mother and might be able to tell me about her,” Lisa explained.

Lisa also wondered if she might have more siblings.

On March 5, 2012, a Donna Scott in Los Angeles received a message from Lisa. Donna phoned her sister Lisa Hein in Alpine, near San Diego, to discuss the mysterious caller who claimed she might be a sister.

Opening up ‘a rattlesnake’s nest’

Despite her suspicions, Lisa B. was no less shocked by what ensued.

Returning the phone call for herself and Donna, Lisa Hein revealed that Dianne Travers was their mother. Both she and Donna were Lisa Boudreau’s half-sisters. Their father was Dianne’s first husband.

“I’m 47, jumping up and down on my bed, when I got the call from Lisa!” Lisa B. said. “My husband looked at me like I was kooky.”

Lisa B. spoke to each sister in separate calls. It did not take long for them to broach the subject of HD. The two California sisters recalled their mother’s struggle with HD. They also explained why their sister Sabrina had died so young: she had juvenile HD.

Sadly, the two sisters also revealed that they, too, were in the early stages of HD.

“How crazy that her name is Lisa!” Lisa H. told me. “We talked for hours that night, till 4 in the morning California time.”

Lisa H., a nurse, spoke enthusiastically about the joy of connection moment but also felt “a giant pit in my stomach” because of the “rattlesnake’s nest” of Huntington’s that she and Donna presented to their sister.

“It was bittersweet,” recalled Donna, who that same day had left her job as an insurance underwriter because of her disability resulting from HD. “We spoke for almost five hours that night. I have the message (from Lisa B.) saved. I will never get rid of it. She said, ‘I think we’re sisters.’

“We found her on adoption sites and Facebook sites. We said, ‘holy cow, she looks like our mother!’ You never know what a person is reaching out for.”

Donna Scott (left), Lisa Boudreau, and Lisa Hein (family photo)

In May, Lisa B. visited her sisters in California. In July, Donna spent two weeks with Lisa B. in North Carolina.

“When we met, it was incredible,” said Lisa B. “We looked at each other and touched each other and poked at each other. Back at the house we took our shoes off and looked at toes and fingers. We all had the same kind of birthmark on our leg. They both were upset at me because I have no wrinkles, and they have more wrinkles than I, and I’m older. They were upset that I had no gray hair, and they did.”

Their mother’s story

Lisa B. was finally learning about the mother and the family she had always wondered about.

Donna, Lisa H., and Sabrina were raised by their father Salvador Del Rio, who divorced Dianne and remarried. Whereas Lisa B. had spent her life up to March 2012 without knowledge of her sisters, Lisa H. and Donna had known since they were children that somewhere they had another sister, beyond Sabrina.

But nobody yet knew that Dianne’s father had died of HD, nor that she, too, was at risk for the disease.

Donna, who spent her summers as a teenager with Dianne and Jim Travers in Utah, talked with her mother about the daughter she put up for adoption. Later, in the late 1980s, when Dianne entered a rehab facility for alcoholics, she wrote a mini-autobiography as part of her therapy.

Reading her mother’s writing, Lisa H. understood that “it destroyed her and broke her heart” to give up Lisa B.

Lisa H. was excited about getting to know her mother better and reconnecting with her lost sister. In the hopes of finding the adoptee, she planned to have Catholic Charities send a letter to Lisa B.

Dianne, too, seemed ready for a new life. Around 1988 or 1989, she finished rehab in Utah. She took a plane to San Diego, with a connection in Las Vegas.

But at the Las Vegas airport, Dianne started to drink. She missed her connection and never made it to California.

Crestfallen, Lisa H. didn’t mail the letter that might have reached Lisa B. She didn’t want her to know that her mother was an alcoholic.

Although Donna had earlier enjoyed spending the summers with her mother, she said that Dianne became “a very mean alcoholic.” In the early 1990s, Donna cut herself off from her mother to protect herself, her son, and her husband.

Dianne was diagnosed with HD in the late 1990s. In Donna’s thinking, the alcoholism could have been both a cause and effect of the HD.

Sabrina’s short life

As Dianne exited her daughters’ lives in the 1990s, and with the family still unaware of HD, Donna and Lisa H. became increasingly worried about their younger sister Sabrina’s health and behavior.

“Looking back now, we see that Sabrina had the symptoms during juvenile years,” Donna said. “She was a dork and klutz in high school. We would call her ‘clumsy.’ She spoke with a slur. But in fact it was the HD. She started acting differently.”

In her 20s, Sabrina frequently forgot to pay her bills, and she neglected to deposit checks. Her car was repossessed for failure to make loan payments.

Lisa H., who has a substantial background in neurological research,  paid special attention to Sabrina’s symptoms.

When Sabrina could no longer function normally, Lisa H. and her husband Andrew tried to discover the cause of her difficulties.

Sabrina Del Rio (family photo)

“She came to visit us one day in San Diego,” said Lisa H. “It was late 1998. She had had ten accidents and totaled like three cars in the two years before that. I would call her house and the line was dead. Sabrina said the was power out in her neighborhood.”

In fact, Sabrina’s phone had been disconnected for failure to pay her bill.

“She was walking staggering in front of us. Andrew said, ‘There’s something so wrong with her.’” Lisa. H said. “I sat there and watched her walk: ‘Oh my gosh, she has a brain tumor!’

“I had just gotten married, and Sabrina got sick six months later,” Lisa H. continued. “She was sleeping on our couch and trying to figure out what was wrong with her. She had severe depression and anxiety. She had trouble at work.”

Sabrina left her job in Los Angeles to move in with the couple. In 1999, Sabrina tested positive for the HD gene. She was in her mid-20s.

“Lisa, nobody’s ever going to marry me like this,” Sabrina told her sister as she cried after receiving her test results. According to Lisa H., it was the only time she shed tears about her condition.

“I looked at my husband and said, ‘I’m going to have to take care of her. She’s my child. I release you. Go and get married,’” Lisa H. said. “And he said, ‘Nope, we’re going to do this together.’”

Within six months Sabrina was in a wheelchair. A year and half later, she became bed-ridden.

“Andrew and I did it 24/7,” Lisa H. recalled. “We staggered ourselves to take care of her.

“She never complained. She always had a smile and was thankful. She handled it all very graciously. A lot of times people get bad tempers and are grumpy. She stayed her sweet self. She was very grateful. She went into the wheelchair, and said, ‘Oh, what a pretty wheelchair.’”

Sabrina died in 2003, just 31.

Struggling with symptoms

Today the three remaining sisters struggle with the early symptoms of HD.

Donna has battled the depression and anxiety caused by HD. Sometimes she goes more than a day without sleep.

“I’m a very, very patient person,” said Donna, who is 46 and whose adult son is at risk for HD. “For that to change in my character, it blows me away. That’s not me. I’m not one to fight.

 “I’m living moment by moment right. I honestly don’t look into the long-term future, because I know it’s not there for me.”

Donna Scott (personal photo)

Like Donna, Lisa H. had to leave her job, where she was “triple- and quadruple-checking” herself to avoid making mistakes.

“I feel like I have a lot of difficulties with memory and organization,” said Lisa H., who is 43 and the mother of two adopted boys, whom she devotedly shuttles back and forth to school and baseball and football practices. “Everything seems like it takes me so long. I can’t even remember my nursing school graduation.

“It’s funny how your desire to have kids is so strong and crazy. Now that they’re here it makes me sadder and makes the disease harder because I wonder what I’ve done to them. We’re so happy but I don’t want them to have to see me like my sister was and spend their lives caring for me. I said to Andrew, ‘We can do this, but I want your focus to be them and not me.’ I was 100 percent fine having me go someplace when it starts to affect the kids.”

A passion for helping others

Lisa B. decided to test for HD. She felt compelled to help her four children map out their lives regarding the disease and family planning. In May 2012, her results came back positive.

“I was getting on the plane to California, with my paperwork,” Lisa B. said. “I didn’t tell my husband the results. The first people I told were my two sisters. I handed them my results after we had lunch. Back home, I told my husband. We cried and cried. I didn’t know about HD, but my sisters watched it happen. If I had found out younger, I wouldn’t have been able to handle it so well.”

Lisa believes she has experienced early symptoms such as depression, but also thinks her perceived behavioral issues could result from the post-traumatic stress disorder and gunshot wound to the head she suffered while in the Army.

“I’ve survived so much with the military,” she commented. “I’m not going to let this bring me down. It’s your attitude.”

Lisa Boudreau (personal photo)

Lisa B. has fought back by becoming an HD advocate. On January 7, she led the very first meeting of the Wilmington-area HD support group that she founded.

Another of her passions is to help reform adoption laws so that adoptees have greater access to information about birth families and are informed of potential health risks.

 “A felon has more rights to their documentation than I have as an adoptee,” Lisa B. observed.

Finding her family has brought her “inner peace,” she added. “It’s a very powerful feeling to finally feel that you’re part of something.”

However, she also recognizes that this knowledge is a two-edged sword.

“I love the family I’ve found, but now I have to carry the burden of knowing about Huntington’s and helping people understand how to handle this information,” Lisa B. explained. “I also did find my 84 year old grandmother who was married to the grandfather who had it, who passed it on to my mom.”

Thus Lisa B. is attempting to track down the many newfound aunts, uncles, cousins, and other relatives who are at risk for inheriting the HD gene.

“My grandfather had 15 more kids, the granddad who died of HD,” Lisa B. continued. “Four of my birth family uncles were incarcerated. I’m in the process of making a list and contacting these people. My aunt tells me, ‘You came back and stirred the pot.’ You have to have a tough skin when you take approaches like this.”

Any day now, Lisa B. expects to receive a package sent by her grandmother containing a painting Byron did of Dianne pregnant.

“Something that both my father and my mother touched would be incredible for me, for someone who never had my mother or saw my mother or touched her,” Lisa B. said. “If someone offered me a million dollars for that picture, I would say no.”

Throughout her quest, Lisa has had to juggle her desires with her relationship with her adoptive mother, Meredith Davenport. (Her adoptive father, Ed Meredith, died in the late 1990s.)

Meredith Davenport (left) and Lisa Boudreau (family photo)

“She wasn’t too on board with me looking,” Lisa B. said. “And I didn’t want to step on her toes. I waited until our relationship was strong enough. I wanted to look, but it affected so many people. It’s very hard mixing all these people together.”

Lisa kept Meredith “in the loop” throughout her search, she said. Meredith became upset when she learned of her daughter’s risk for Huntington’s disease, she added.

Above all, Lisa B. worries about her own children, all in their late teens or early twenties. They now face their own decisions about testing for HD.

“I told them, “You need to have this information,’” Lisa B. said of their newly revealed at-risk status. “‘Knowledge is power. You have the information I didn’t have when I was adopted.’ It’s a very personal decision. They need to make it on their own what they want to do with the knowledge they have.”

Friday, December 21, 2012

The gifts


Christmas brings the profoundly sad reminder of receiving the news of my mother’s diagnosis of Huntington’s disease on December 26, 1995. She died of HD in 2006 at the age of 68. Remembering her struggle also reminds me that I tested positive for HD in 1999.

This year, however, I’ve been preparing for Christmas differently by reflecting on the wonderful gifts I’ve received.

Life itself is a precious gift. I was born because of my parents’ love for each other and their desire to raise a family.

My life is also a gift from God.

I am extremely lucky to have the gift of health. Each day, I am pained by the suffering endured by families afflicted with the disease. However, as I look forward to my 53rd birthday on December 31, I am deeply thankful to have remained asymptomatic past the age of my mother’s probable onset, her late forties.

The gift of health allows me to continue my work as an HD advocate, fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves and promoting the search for effective treatments.

Just last month I exited the terrible and lonely“Huntington’s closet” by revealing my story and using my real name, Kenneth P. Serbin, in a mainstream publication. On December 16, I repeated the experience in Brazil, where I am a recognized scholar and regular guest writer in the press; I received a tremendously moving response from friends and even former leading government officials.

For the first time in the 17 years of my journey with HD, I can advocate for the cause freely and openly, thus multiplying the impact of my efforts and honoring the memory of my “HD warrior” parents.

More than ever, I feel the need to help others. This desire and responsibility form the basis of all the great religious traditions.

In my Catholic faith, the advent of Baby Jesus, who came to save the world from imperfection and death, culminated in one of the greatest commandments to humankind: to love our neighbors as ourselves.

My family's miniature nativity scene, made by an artist in Latin America

In the wake of my exit from the HD closet, I have achieved an incredible sense of lightness and greater closeness to others. Friends have seen it in my face and felt my passion for the cause.

“The truth will set you free,” Jesus said. In recent days, I have also felt closer to God than I have in a long time. Thinking of the drive to defeat HD, I have recalled His mission: “I have come that they might have life, and have it more abundantly.”

My greatest gift is my family.

In January 2000, my wife Regina and I received the gift of our daughter Bianca’s negative test for Huntington’s while in the womb.

Together Regina and I nurtured her, and now we must help her navigate the challenging and rewarding teenage years.

In this very difficult past week, as we Americans have struggled to comprehend the senseless Newtown school massacre, I have frequently recalled President Barack Obama’s beautiful description of parenting: “Someone once described the joy and anxiety of parenthood as the equivalent of having your heart outside of your body all the time, walking around.”

Faced with so many extraordinary demands and risks, HD families especially feel that anxiety. Yet we also have great gifts  including an immense capacity to appreciate the gift of life and the impact that a disease like HD can have on children.


My challenge is to preserve my gift of health so that I can love and support Regina and Bianca for many years to come. 

To you and yours, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a 2013 filled with the gifts of hope and good health!

Our 2012 holiday greetings photo, taken at Yosemite National Park