The quandary of denial in the Huntington’s disease community (Part I)

The natural human tendency toward denial presents one of the biggest obstacles to strengthening the Huntington’s disease movement, including the recruitment of individuals for the observational studies and clinical trials crucial for developing effective treatments and a cure.

How do we more proactive members of the HD community influence those living in denial? How do we convince them that they need to inform themselves about HD and join the effort to defeat it?

I have wrestled with these important questions, as well as my own multiple forms of denial, ever since learning in late 1995 that my mother had HD and that I had a 50-50 chance of inheriting the condition. My denial, and feelings about others’ denial, became dreadfully more complex after I tested positive for HD in 1999.

I remained deeply in the “HD closet” for many years because of the fear of genetic discrimination, but became vocal via this pseudonymous blog. In mid-2010, I began to speak publicly about my condition.

A year ago, I “unmasked Gene Veritas” and revealed my story to some 250 prominent scientists and other observers at the Sixth Annual HD Therapeutics Conference, sponsored by the CHDI Foundation, Inc., informally known as the “cure Huntington’s disease initiative.” I made other presentations at my local support group, an HDSA chapter convention, a pharmaceutical company aiming for a revolutionary clinical trial, and a symposium on clinical trials.

Now I want to tackle the problem of denial head-on.

Yes, we rely on denial to face the daily fear of HD symptoms, as well as the stigma accompanying the condition, but we ultimately must overcome it if we are to win the battle against HD.

And, yes, each family situation differs. In some cases, it may be easier than others. But by looking at my own family as an example, I aim to analyze some of the causes of denial, how it plays out in HD families, and how it maintains its insidious grip.

A powerful firewall

Denial often shadows my family life.

Despite my dramatic exit from the HD closet, I continue to maintain a firewall between, on the one hand, my HD activism and, on the other, the workplace and my neighborhood.

I would like to break down the neighborhood barrier, but my wife, who has lovingly stood by me through the entire trauma of the HD experience, has resisted the idea of expanding my advocacy beyond the HD community

After being named the 2011 Person of the Year of the Huntington’s Disease Society of America (HDSA) last June (click here to read more), I wanted to solicit an article in the community newspaper as a way to build awareness and support for HDSA locally. I hoped the prestige could help take my advocacy to a new level.

My wife said no. “I don’t want this in our house,” she stated adamantly, referring to HD and all of its implications, including the impact such a newspaper article might have on our daughter, now in her first year of middle school.

My daughter knows that I am gene-positive and that she tested negative in the womb, and she even has read some of my blog articles. However, my wife does not want to see her constantly exposed to HD, and she wants her to enjoy her final moments of childhood without having to worry about my health and the future impact on the family of HD when my inevitable symptoms begin.

I respected my wife’s wishes – I know she will shoulder the burdens of HD in the long run – but I was deeply frustrated. “This is such a HUGE accomplishment in my life,” I wrote in my blog notes at the time. “The greatest recognition I have received to this point – one that is about changing the world. And I can’t celebrate it!! Because of the stigma. I need to talk more, get HD out there more.”

My wife initially didn’t want to display my HDSA award plaque in our hallway of family photos, but she later changed her mind.

A bittersweet award

I wrote in my notes:

I will show plaque to [my daughter]. Families that deal with [HD] naturally and up front are the ones that have the best outcome in the long run. Denial necessary in life, but when carried to extremes, or used as the main way of dealing with life…. It becomes harmful/pernicious.

Nothing is ever simple with HD! This just can’t be a great award. [Instead] it’s got to be a reminder of my situation – and of our entire community’s situation.

Ends up being bittersweet.

If it were any other award, we’d be celebrating. No celebration. No mention. No discussion.

I hate denial!

‘Mental problems’

The HD community is filled with sad stories about denial among family members. People from HD families viscerally bond regarding the feelings of frustration, hurt, and anger over relatives’ denial.

My mother’s brother and his wife hid Huntington’s from their two children and their spouses. They explained away my mother’s behavior as “mental problems” (click here to read more). Only in the days before my mother died – six years ago this month – did my aunt tell my cousins the real cause. My cousins weren’t close to my family, but at the wake they were still so shocked by the news of HD that they cried much more than my sister, my father, and I.

Over the years I nudged my uncle, a successful small businessman and active in his community, to join the cause against HD. Many years ago, before my mother’s death, I wrote him a long and heartfelt letter outlining ways to help.

I never got a response.

To this day, I don’t know if he ever tested for HD. In his mid-70s, he has apparently showed no symptoms. Out of sight, out of mind, perhaps.

Jealousy over testing

For more than a decade, I have clashed with my sister and her family over their own denial, lack of involvement with my parents, and refusal to join the cause (click here to read more).

My sister, who to my knowledge remains untested, had her three sons before we learned of HD. Although we have never discussed it, she has undoubtedly agonized about whether she inherited the gene and, worst of all, passed it on.

She became extremely jealous of my wife and me for two big reasons: we had a daughter, and our child had tested negative.

Around that time, in 2001, my sister started to cut herself and her family off from me and my family.

Isolation

I tried to keep in contact, but she showed little interest in learning more about HD. While I have long taken doctor-approved supplements and lived with the hope that treatments could save me from developing symptoms, from what I can tell, she has chosen not to learn about such potential solutions.

As my mother declined, although I lived thousands of miles away in California, I strived to find a good care regimen for her and to assist my father with suggestions and gentle exhortations. My sister, who lived only a couple miles away in Ohio, would visit my parents but took very little initiative to improve their situation.

She became angry and resentful about my offers of assistance and suggestions. I grew increasingly frustrated with the lack of communication with the family member geographically and personally closest to my parents.

In the midst of our family’s increasing difficulties with my mother’s condition, my sister told me on the phone, “You’re not really a brother.”

I was stunned, perplexed, and offended. I had traveled regularly to my hometown to visit not just my parents, but my sister, her husband, and my three nephews. My wife and I had also offered to fly out my oldest nephew to San Diego and take him to Disneyland, Sea World, the San Diego Zoo, and other California attractions, but my sister never responded.

Failed communication

In 2005, after several years without speaking, I insisted that we reestablish communication to help my father admit my mother to a nursing home. We became close again during the final months of our mother’s life and, when she died, my sister planned the wake and funeral so that my wife, daughter, and I could fly out in time.

However, as my father rapidly declined in the wake of my mother’s death, my sister and I again disagreed about a plan of care for him. When dialogue became impossible, I asked my father’s attorney to serve as an intermediary and to assist her with his affairs, including the transition to a memory care unit in an assisted living facility.

My father died in September 2009. I learned of his death in an e-mail from the lawyer after I participated in an intense, day-long HD observational study. However, my sister did not delay the funeral, making it practically impossible to get to Ohio on time. (Click here to read more.)

I was so distraught about the situation that I also concluded I might suffer a heart attack if I attempted to attend the funeral. I organized a private memorial service for my father at our San Diego home.

I have not spoken to my sister since August 2008. In 2010 we both attended a memorial luncheon for a deceased aunt, but we did not speak or even acknowledge each other’s presence. I was still livid about her lack of compassion in failing to delay my father’s funeral so that I might participate.

Keeping a distance

At this point, the anger and resentment are so deep that I believe my sister and I may never speak again.

While I have fought to combat HD, my sister has preferred to ignore it. That has compounded the kind of intense family disagreements that sometimes accompany inevitable life-and-death issues.

After so many failed attempts at establishing a relationship with my sister, I have concluded that, because of denial and other reasons, she and her family simply have no interest in me and my family. I concluded that it would be foolish to insist.

I am a firm believer in love as a solution to many of the world’s problems, including personal hatred and misunderstanding.

In my interpretation, love means keeping one’s distance from people who don’t want a relationship.

Advocacy in my home state

On May 14, I’m tentatively scheduled to speak on my experience with HD at an HDSA event in Northeast Ohio, where I grew up and where my parents are buried side by side.

Returning to my home state to speak out as an HDSA advocate will surely stir powerful and difficult emotions.

Many questions are running through my head. Should I invite my uncle and my sister – and their families – to attend? Would they even show up after so many years of conflict and denial? Would we talk and, if so, what would we say? Part of me doesn’t want them to attend, because I fear my anger at them might diminish the effectiveness of my activism.

Frankly, I don’t think they want to hear what I have to say, especially because I advocate activism. Years ago, my sister used to read at least some of my blog, but now I have no idea whether she follows it. I doubt my uncle even knows I have a blog. Should I continue to chalk them up as a lost cause? Or, in the name of the movement, should I make the extra effort to bring them into the cause?

As an advocate, I feel obliged to reach out. However, as a member of an HD family, I feel forlorn about the prospects for action by people such as my uncle and sister.

How to untie this knot?

I am reaping the fruits of my family’s long denial of HD.

The great irony is that my sister, my uncle, and their families probably don’t even know that I was named the HDSA Person of the Year.

The easy solution is to do nothing about the May event. Despite my award and my long years in the HD trenches, I feel powerless to change them.

My fellow HD activists, family members, and friends, what would you do?

How do we untie this terribly complex knot of denial?

I am in quandary about how to act – and to overcome this problem that threatens our march to treatments and a cure.

Continuing to speak out

Denial is like an added curse on HD families already so overwhelmed with the disease’s medical burdens.

My family’s story pales in comparison to other examples of denial and insensitivity.

As I reflect on these stories, I’m struck by the immensity of the stigma surrounding HD.

Perhaps I can take comfort in the fact that, no matter what my uncle or sister or anybody else thinks, I will speak out again about HD on May 14. In the final analysis, that is all I can do.

Someone will be listening, and that is good.

(Next: further reflections and concrete suggestions for overcoming denial.)